Public vs Private

healthy-relationship-hearts-11Public vs Private

The launch of Sheri Winston’s book was successful. My visit with the father of my grown children also went well at beautiful Pipe Lake near Seattle. A weekend like this pushes my public vs private conflict big time. I have always been open with my kids, there is very little they do not know about me and my life including my sexuality. It is one of the reasons my marriage ended.

I believe”sex” and intimacy issues are a normal part of life. Honesty and openness are my highest values in every relationship.

Because of this I am honest about my attraction to women as well as men. In many circles this is a no-no. You are supposed to choose. Make one commitment to last the rest of your life. It used to be like that for heterosexuals, however today they have more freedom than when I was growing up.  Homosexuality is also more acceptable. But the stigma around loving more than one remains, although this too is changing.

Polyamory is becoming a choice for many. What is your honest choice?

 

 

Having a Good Sex Life is Essential – Intimacy Tips For Couples

Sex life may be compromise the older we grow, as we have more responsibilities like work, taking care of business, hanging out with friends and acquaintances. Busy schedules make it easy to forget the need for regular sex. It should be remembered that sexual health is part of health as well. Having a great sex life should not be difficult but of course there is work to do.

First and foremost, communicate about your desires come first. There is no great sex without mutual understanding. Talk to your partner about the frequency of sex, what each other think about the quality of sex, what you like and do not like about the current sex life, and most importantly what kind of changes both parties would like to see. Try to hold this sort of meeting regularly, like monthly or weekly. This can be done on the coffee table or in bed. Communication about your sex life is the first and most important step and cannot be skipped.

Next is to plan time for sex. If you have a great body and are energetic throughout the day, you can probably have great sex anytime you liked. However, for most of us mortals that is not the case, sadly. Therefore, plan to have great sex. If workdays really cannot work for it, you would have to take it to he weekends. Planning for sex also means planning for everything before sex; a romantic time together, followed by good conversation, and then foreplay and then sex

Last but not least, mind the mindset about sex. As with most conservative societies, sex is considered a “dirty” topic. If you or your partner feels that sex is bad or dirty, then you are never going to enjoy sex. It is crucial to face sex as it is. Sex is a simple requirement of life, such as necessary as water, food and sleep. Having a conservative and “closed” society throws sex into “dirty”. Hence, know your mindset and that of your partner to make sure both of you don’t have the wrong mindset about sex.

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The Fine Line

Lately, I have been exploring the intersection of pain and pleasure. Not feeling well brings pain that I try to experience as pleasure by telling myself that I am perfect, whole and complete. I love myself, just the way I am – even if I am in pain. But it is not that easy. Saying I accept the pain, doesn’t make it go away. When my whole body aches, it is difficult to pretend that it doesn’t. When I have no energy, it is hard to do anything.

When I am in Yoga class, the pain is excruciating.

On the other hand, when I am making love, there is no pain. Pleasure takes over my body in a way that escapes me when I am standing or sitting or even trying to go to sleep. My pain is often worse when I am lying still attempting to relax. But it doesn’t hurt when I am having energetic sex. Why? My guess is that when my lover and I are being sexual, I am out of my mind and out of my body as well. I drift to a place of pure pleasure. It is like floating on a sea of tranquility and I want to stay there forever. I want to move there permanently and never come back to this body that is causing me so much trouble, and certainly I don’t want to go back to my negative mind, which blames me for all of the discomfort as if “I” didn’t think the right thoughts or say the right words.

It is hard being uncomfortable in my body after working for so many years on loving myself and accepting everything as perfect. Affirming that everything is in divine order,    perfectly unfolding just as it is, doesn’t work anymore The pain is NOT perfect, it hurts, and then some days, unexpectedly, it goes away. I am OK for a while, I get a few things accomplished, and then it returns again. I try to rest but that doesn’t work when my body is uncomfortable.

And then the opportunity to make love comes again, and suddenly nothing hurts. I am in bliss when I am being stroked and caressed, kissed and nuzzled (I could get more graphic here, but my love life is not the point of this blog). The point is: where does the pain go? When it is not with me, does it haunt someone else? Can pain be shared like  pleasure? Why does it seem to own me when it steals my days and/or nights? Do we own our pain? Can we control it? Is everyone’s pain the same?

I don’t know the answer to these questions; I only know my own experiences of pain and of pleasure. I’d love to hear your comments. What is your experience of pain? Of pleasure? Do you also have a fine line that can be easily crossed simply by stopping your thoughts and moving from one idea to another. Is the relief of pain really simple?

If it is, then why is it so hard to shift sometimes and not others? And why does it return so easily? I don’t want to be in pain. I want to be in pleasure and stay there all of the time. But then, how do I get anything else done?