Public vs Private

healthy-relationship-hearts-11Public vs Private

The launch of Sheri Winston’s book was successful. My visit with the father of my grown children also went well at beautiful Pipe Lake near Seattle. A weekend like this pushes my public vs private conflict big time. I have always been open with my kids, there is very little they do not know about me and my life including my sexuality. It is one of the reasons my marriage ended.

I believe”sex” and intimacy issues are a normal part of life. Honesty and openness are my highest values in every relationship.

Because of this I am honest about my attraction to women as well as men. In many circles this is a no-no. You are supposed to choose. Make one commitment to last the rest of your life. It used to be like that for heterosexuals, however today they have more freedom than when I was growing up.  Homosexuality is also more acceptable. But the stigma around loving more than one remains, although this too is changing.

Polyamory is becoming a choice for many. What is your honest choice?

 

 

Creating Change

Shifting From  Me to We

Andrea Costantine (http://andreacostantine.com/) gives a great presentation on being inspired to make a difference in the world by getting involved and creating community through compassion, contribution, and connection. Andrea believes that when people come together, change can be made.

She says,”When we gain a sense of community, separation dissipates, leading to happier, healthier, more compassionate human beings.” When this happens then we are more interested and willing to contribute to the well-being of others.

Some of us touch other people’s lives in our daily interactions by doing our best at what ever it is that we do. If we work in a profession where we do not have direct contact with people, we still make a difference in their lives with the products we create or services we offer. Some of us make time to volunteer in various ways where we connect with children or animals, or help others learn to read, or participate in a community garden. Multiple opportunities exist to be of service and make connections with each other.

This is exactly what Cuddle Party (http://CuddleParty.com) is all about. People come together, at first thinking about getting their own needs met for safe, affectionate touch. But they soon realize it is about giving as well as receiving. Whether they are being touched or doing the touching, it is reciprocal, and nurturing for everyone involved. After a few minutes, there is no difference between giving and receiving; it feels just as good to touch as to be touched. And this is the way all of life should feel when the barriers between YOU and ME dissipate, and we recognize that “We are One.”

What does this phrase “We are One” mean? We seem to be hearing and seeing it more and more often. It is what community is all about – coming together in UNITY. What happens to one of us, happens to all of us. Whether it is a fatal shooting, or a simply wounding with words, we are all victims to the violence that we are surrounded by. Sometimes it seems no matter which way we turn, we are being violated by GMO products or some other pesticide in our food source, or bombarded by political or religious actions that seem totally out of our control. We shield ourselves from this by shutting down to the good and the possibility of change in the world when we succumb to helplessness. We learn to be helpless when we make it all about ME and do not feel there is anything that I have to give to YOU.

A simple gesture of caring, a smile, or a kind word can make a huge difference in someone’s life. When we open to the idea that “everyone matters” and that everyone is important no matter what they are doing. When we accept each other without judgment about who’s way of thinking or acting is Good or Bad, we are able to open our hearts as well as our minds to this concept of “We are One.”

What ways have you found to make a difference in the world?

Intimacy in Marriage – 5 Tips for Spicing Things Up In Your Bedroom

One way to strengthen a marriage relationship is to build or rebuild intimacy. There are several forms of intimacy – sexual, emotional, intellectual, and the spiritual. This article is going to deal with sexual intimacy and how healthy activity in the bedroom can help safeguard your marriage.

The most exciting place, perhaps, in nurturing marital intimacy is the bedroom. The bedroom can be a place of solitude and comfort as a couple experiences intimacy together. It helps strengthen the bond between a couple and can be a good gauge for how solid a marriage is.

Here are 5 tips for spicing up the bedroom and enhancing sexual intimacy:

    1. 1. Introduce creative changes to your sexual routines. You may want to try a new position or a surprise that will take out the monotony, prevent dullness and ignite the flames of romance. You may also want to create a stimulating environment in the bedroom that will help create a desire to engage in passionate lovemaking.
    1. 2. Recognize and appreciate the value of foreplay. Many couples go straight for intercourse which contributes to a sense of routine. Exploring how foreplay can build intimacy and lead to a more passionate lovemaking will do wonders for your time together in the bedroom. Kissing, hugging, touching each other can lead to a better orgasmic pleasure.
3. Climax together. This is a bit tricky, but with practice it can be done. When done properly it can enhance your sense of intimacy a thousand fold. As you experience climax at the same time, you develop a sense of closeness that is extremely unique. You must learn how to accept the difference between the male and female when it comes to orgasm and make them work to your advantage.
4. Use some tools to heighten sexual intimacy. In Christian circles sex is taboo and we often get the idea that sex shouldn’t involve things like vibrators or creams. But these tools aren’t sinful and they can help enhance pleasure and closeness as you learn to become more vulnerable with each other. Exploring what feels good and being able to communicate that, does wonders for healthy intimacy in the bedroom.
5.Take advantage of the power of touch to build physical intimacy. Taking extra time for good personal hygiene, for setting the mood and for playful exploration by way of touch will create a powerful connection that leads to more pleasure and a more gratifying sexual experience. There are many ways to use touch to build physical intimacy.

These five tips for spicing up things in your bedroom will help build and nurture intimacy in your marriage and enhance a sense of affection and familiarity. Remember that healthy intimacy takes hard work, but if you break down that work into small achievable goals it will be easier to accomplish. These tips will help you grow together as a couple which is super important for healthy intimacy in marriages. Growing together keeps you focused on your relationship and on the marriage rather than your selfish desires.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6377786

7 Steps To Creating A Healthy Relationship

Everything in life, in order to be a success, requires knowledge and education to some extent. We read, study and take courses on several subjects that we as human beings require in order to live the life we choose to live. If we wish to improve on a certain area of life such as career and education we simply enroll in classes or find alternative methods that will provide us with the information we are seeking. However, we were not taught to educate ourselves on relationships-the most essential factor to living in this world. We must be able to relate to others in order to create an environment that we feel is desirable and supportive to us. Here I am providing 7 steps to having a healthy relationship. Whether you are in a current relationship or seeking one, these are key ingredients to creating and improving the relationship you desire.

1. Know What You Want

Knowing what you want is the foundation to having that which you desire. Have you ever felt like you were going around in circles not really getting anywhere? That is what happens if you do not have a destination in mind. When choosing a relationship you must think of all the things that make a relationship perfect for you. Not what is perfect for anybody else or what you think others want you to have. It must fit you and your life.

2. Being Your Authentic Self

From early on in our lives we have had to learn to play different roles in different situations. Relationships are one of them. How many times have you felt that you had to be or act a certain way in order for a relationship to be what you thought it was supposed to be? We have forgotten how to be ourselves. It is our past experiences and beliefs from the past that keep us from being who we truly are. As individuals in relationships it is our sole responsibility to see all the opportunities there are to heal ourselves and release the past so that we can continue to unfold and become authentic beings.

3. Communication

Saying what we desire, saying what we feel, expressing our deepest fears, sharing our joys and successes are all pieces to communication in relationship. Telling our loved ones what we need and lovingly working through any disagreements and differences are more than essential in a relationship. How can two people come together if they do not know what is going on in their loved one’s world? In order to be crystal clear in relationships we must learn and create a system of communication based on both partner’s needs that then becomes the middle ground where miracles take place.

4. Acceptance

Take me as I am. We love someone because of who they are. In relationships it is up to us to love our partner for who they are and where they are in life. Their lessons are not our lessons to learn. Our only responsibility is to love and accept them as they are. When we try to change someone to make them fit our mold not only are we placing them in a box we are dissociating ourselves from the relationship and ignoring our own fears and needs. Relationships are about accepting and growing at our own pace and together holding each other’s hands along the journey together.

5. Trust

If there is no trust there is no foundation. Next to Love, trust is what makes or breaks a relationship. In order to trust, we must stay completely true to ourselves and to our moral and spiritual beliefs. When we follow what we know in our hearts to be loving then we can be sure that we are giving our partner all the reason to trust us. In order to know what is true we must accept the fact that relationships are where we have the opportunities to grow, become better individuals and free ourselves from all things that are hurtful. Trusting your partner and giving trust to your partner is the greatest gift that will carry a relationship through anything.

6. Play

We have taken everything in life so seriously that we have forgotten what it means to play. We have forgotten what it feels like to let go and play like a child again. Being child-like means letting all your worries, fears, doubts and insecurities go. It means to laugh and have a good time and do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Notice a child’ s behavior. Notice their innocence. Notice their playfulness. It is that same energy that when brought into a relationship opens doors to unlimited possibilities and tons of fun.

7. Self-Love

If you do not love yourself how can you truly love another? You cannot serve from an empty tray. We have learned to believe that everyone else comes first and we come last. We have learned to believe many stories and lies that keep us stuck in the same rut. As you go through the processes of relationships you learn to discover what works and doesn’t work for you. When we can fully accept ourselves and our experiences for what they are and have been then you can really begin to love someone deeply and completely. When you choose to take full responsibility for your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health then you can truly experience blissful love.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marilyn_Rodriguez

If you need relationship coaching or have any questions please contact me at http://www.SuzannRobins.com

Giving and Receiving

In the past decade, since the events of
what we now call 9/11, many of us seek deeper insights into our
individual biographies. My story involves what happened to my family
as a result of an automobile accident. Other stories are formed
around personal losses due to the tumbling of the twin towers.
Everyone has a biographical story that begins at a time when we ask,
“What is it all about?”

Some people believe we are in the midst
of a multidimensional crisis that involves: ecological, political,
economic, intellectual, psychological, social, and spiritual beliefs.
The world is shifting as evidenced by the various revolutions as well
as the many recent earthquakes and major storms.

We can see more news and know what is
going on in many remote corners of the world more quickly than ever
before, but does this help us feel connected to the reality of what
is happening? We know we are feeling something, but too often it
feels out of control. We cannot control mother nature, nor human
nature. Yet when disaster or revolution strikes, the best in people
often comes out, and we join together in ways previously
unimaginable.

I believe people are basically good,
and that we desire to work together toward future goals for the
highest good of everyone concerned. However, this isn’t always true,
some people only want what is best for the few rather than the many.
In the recent past, competition, greed, and corruption appeared to be
winning, but the tide is turning. As a result of the world wide web,
people are becoming connected to the wholeness of our small planet
and awakening to the fact that what happens to one of us, happens to
all of us. This is a difficult concept to grasp, because it appears
there are winners and losers all of the time. Attempts to conquer and
divide seem to pit one group against the other. Too often, people sit
silently by accepting the status quo, but that is changing. Through
the internet we have opportunity to reach like minded people and
therefore be connected on many different levels.

But connection takes effort. We cannot
expect to find intimacy and healthy relationships simply by reading
blogs or social media sites. We must form an opinion and respond.
Writers don’t write for their own enjoyment, most write because they
have something to say they feel is important, and they hope someone
is listening. The same is true for most artists and craft  people,
film makers, even sports figures or race car drivers. Motivation
comes from an inner place, but they desire an audience to enjoy their
endeavors.

This is what really connects us: the
mutual enjoyment of each others activities, thoughts, and creations,
and the mutuality of coming together to overcome an oppressor or
recover from a natural disaster.

Enjoyment is a two way street of giving
and receiving. The best relationships happen when we cannot tell the
difference between what we are offering and what we desire in return.
When we are willing to give before we receive, and to receive so that
we have more to give, the world is a much happier place. When we are
busily hoarding stuff or isolating ourselves, the world misses the
precious piece that we embody, that piece that is unique from anyone
else’s offering. What do you have to give?

Affectionate Touch

We can live our whole lives without sex, but we have a need for touch and affection.

Many think the only way to get touched is through sex. Cuddle Party provides an opportunity for safe, affectionate, nurturing touch.  People attend these part-workshop, part social event in order to meet new people, have comfortable conversation and to get their touch quota met. Cuddle Party is held about once per month in Denver, CO and many other cities around the world. Check out www.cuddleparty.com for more info and to RSVP this Sunday, Sept. 4th @ 3 pm.

SEE videos and lots of testimonials.

Radical Conversations in Relationships

When we truly want to learn more about another person, there is unlimited value in the process of deep communication.  Good business team building and satisfying romantic partnerships both require communication that results in radical conversations.

Radical conversation involves full sharing and disclosure of information pertinent to the task or issues. Making time to discern what is important to each situation results in greater success on current projects and greater personal health. Each radical conversation leads to the self-discovery of what it is like to be me, while hearing what it is like to be you. When each one desires to continuously discover more about both our self AND the other person, this kind of exchange can fulfill  the promise of learning more about the core of our being.

When we are able to understand the other people we work with, or live with, the result is healthier relationships on every level. This does not require a tremendous amount of time once common language regarding personality traits and temperament is established. The next step is the self-awareness to take responsibility as we speak.  And lastly a willingness to withstand a genuine encounter with the truly Other.

This level of communication requires that:

1} The people involved commit to sustaining the conversation over time. Not everything can be disclosed without previous thought and reflection.

2) Each person agrees to talk openly about their values and assumes responsibility for their own psychological well-being. This means thinking before speaking and knowing your personal boundaries regarding what is important to expose at work and a willingness toward full exposure at home.

3) Each must commit to sharing their own experience without reproaching the others about past hurts or future expectations. Similarly, each one listens to the others without feeling defensive about what is being said. Know that a person’s sharing is always more about them, even if it seems to be directed toward you. Quit taking it personally.

The joy of Exploring Into-me-see at this level requires some effort, but the results can be so rewarding, that it is worth the effort. Learn more in Exploring Intimacy: Cultivating Healthy Relationships through Insight and Intuition, published by Rowman and Littlefield, 2010.

Available at www.amazon.com,  www.SuzannRobins.com or www.wild iris market

What do Rainbows have to do with Relationships?

healthy relationshipsMy company is called Inner Visions & Rainbow Resources because I work with the Inner Rainbow. One of my coaching and training techniques helps to improve relationships both at home and at work.

Our bodies are composed of an endocrine system that connects to our brain. This hormone system influences our health and well-being. It impacts our relationships. When hormones are out of balance we may become depressed and lethargic, or angry and overly aggressive. Hormonal balance brings joy and ease to relationships.

When we become aware of the inner workings of our body’s mind, we gain more control of our mood, of emotions, and of our potential for pleasure. These three things go hand in hand. Rather than “controlling our e-motions” or energy in motion, it is good to let them move ~~ As long as we do not move in a way that is harmful to anyone, including our self. When we are depressed, there is a lack of movement. When we are angry or overly aggressive, some people feel harmed by our tone of voice. In healthy relationships an ebb and flow of a raised voice tone is more easily tolerated. In a work situation or in front of small children, it is not appropriate to raise your voice in an angry manner. Under those circumstances, control is required; just as we would not act out sexually at work or in front of small children. There is a time and place for everything.

As children become teenagers, it is easier for them to understand that sometimes adults need to vent their anger by using a louder tone of voice. In an employee counseling session, it might be necessary for a worker to practice speaking up for what they believe is “right.” But in either situation if the speaker is out of control, the use of a loud and angry tone of voice is considered harmful. Often the tone is heard, but not the words. When this happens the purpose and meaning behind the communication is lost.

So what do these relationship guidelines have to do with rainbows? We each have an inner rainbow of colors that runs from the bottom of the spine to the top of the head and corresponds with our endocrine/hormonal system. Each color has a meaning. Using these colors and their corresponding attribute is an easy way to learn to “run energy.” Activating our energy body, in stillness and in silence, is one effective method of keeping depression, anger and aggression under control. If our energy is blocked, or flowing too freely, walking, dancing, playing sports, physically working on a project, or even cleaning are healthy ways to keep the energy and e-motions moving in a positive direction.

Becoming aware of the inner rainbow is a simple method for either slowing down or speeding up the endocrine responses that cause both our actions and our reactions to events. Just as we can learn to vary our breathing and heart rate, we can vary the energy that flows through out the body and mind. Learning to do this takes a bit of effort, but once learned, it is as easy as brushing your teeth or taking a shower. The trick is to remember to tap the inner rainbow and enjoy its appearance as a way to brighten your life and improve your relationships.

Value of relationship coaching

Everyday interactions are influenced by things that happened in the past. But our past does not need to dictate our future. Learn what your life is about from the inside out. Looking within is a powerful path to creating healthy relationships. Overcoming difficulties in any relationship involves finding the strength of inner security. This begins with learning to trust your instincts.

People look at other people in different ways. Some look for beauty, others for flaws. Some see the essence of the person, others hear only spoken words or they tune into the tone of voice without caring about age or height, weight, gender or their relationship to the speaker. People sometimes miss what is actually said and hear only what they expect to hear. Or they “project” their thoughts about the other person as if that person were a screen that only reflected what the other is thinking.

People perceive each other through filters and we each have filters of our own that prevent us from actually seeing or hearing what the other is doing or saying. Sometimes people are mirrors for us. They reflect something we did or said, or perhaps simply thought, and we were unaware. We can be grateful for the gift, or resent that the reflector saw through the facade we put up for protection.

What is it that we protect ourselves from? What are people afraid of when it comes to intimate relationships? Why is it so difficult to know our self? And even more difficult to let others really know who we are, and what we are about? Perhaps this fear is passed down from previous generations? Or does it develop from an accumulation of bumps and hurts?

I don’t know the answers, I can only guess, based on my own relationship experience and stories from hundreds of clients and thousands of friends. I have found that many people are afraid of their own thoughts! Somehow they internalize that they are not OK. They focus on the bad things that have happened from the beginning of their lives. Little hurts accumulate and become BIG wounds. In psychological circles, we refer to this as trauma, or stress related illness.

Not everyone is traumatized by their childhood or the things that happen to us over time. Instead, they take the bumps in stride and know the path as one of learning, rather than one of difficulty. We define these people as having a positive attitude or a sunny disposition. They are fun to be around because they always see the bright side of whatever is going on. They form meaningful connections.

Are you traumatized or wounded? How sunny or cloudy is your attitude toward overcoming difficult relationships and cultivating healthy partnerships?