Public vs Private

healthy-relationship-hearts-11Public vs Private

The launch of Sheri Winston’s book was successful. My visit with the father of my grown children also went well at beautiful Pipe Lake near Seattle. A weekend like this pushes my public vs private conflict big time. I have always been open with my kids, there is very little they do not know about me and my life including my sexuality. It is one of the reasons my marriage ended.

I believe”sex” and intimacy issues are a normal part of life. Honesty and openness are my highest values in every relationship.

Because of this I am honest about my attraction to women as well as men. In many circles this is a no-no. You are supposed to choose. Make one commitment to last the rest of your life. It used to be like that for heterosexuals, however today they have more freedom than when I was growing up.  Homosexuality is also more acceptable. But the stigma around loving more than one remains, although this too is changing.

Polyamory is becoming a choice for many. What is your honest choice?



An insider’s wishes for successful gay marriages

Exploring Intimacy means allowing for In–to–me-see…

Gay marriage has become legal in several states. We are finally seen as equals and this move was way overdue. Now that many have taken the leap into marriage, or are considering it, I want these unions to last. Not just to endure over time, but to thrive and grow. (Let us prove the conservatives wrong).

Many people (especially in the LGBTIQP communities) crave intimacy, yet go about it in self-destructive or at least self–defeating ways. The crystal meth epidemic in New York is one example. I want us to see ourselves as better than that, and be a strong healthy community, in mind, body, and spirit. Communities are made up of people who truly care for one another.

To me most people give up on relationships way too easily these days, or else they hold on to the idea of “until death do us part” that our parents held so literally. Too often we give up on blissful connecting with our partners and settle for the daily grind of getting through the tough parts, not really connecting in deep heartfelt ways.

The most consistent relationship you will have in your life is the one with yourself.”

This is a really important place to start. Self-love is not shallow, ego driven, narcissism, but a self-care that helps you make good decisions, and sets a standard of how you want to be treated by others.

We connect with people on different levels. At first, we might be attracted on a visual, physical or intellectual, mental level, then we come to know their heart and we fall in love on deeper levels. This helps build a mature lasting love. When we start to tap into new unexplored traits and characters of our partner, we build something new together that doesn’t leave either one behind.

Many avenues can lead to intimacy and getting in tune with your partner or spouse. Here are three easy questions to consider when opposing egos create a power struggle.

Step back and ask:

1. “What would be best for the relationship”? Unless you like playing tug of war, it is so much easier to both get on the same side of the rope and pull together! See your relationship as a third entity worthy of time and care.

2. “Is this really going to matter a year from now”? If not don’t get all heated up about it, know when to apologize, and when to accept forgiveness. I am a big fan of fresh starts.

3. “Am I telling everyone except my partner that we have problems”? The best path to intimacy is to build trust by sharing your thoughts and worries. Opening up makes space for the other to share also.

A simple pause can create meaningful unions that will last as long as you both are willing to do the work it takes to communicate openly and let the love grow.

Reverend Kyle Applegate is an Ordained Inter-Faith Minister and registered in NYC as a marriage officiant as well as a certified Tantric Coach, LGBT Diversity Awareness Educator, and Sexual Healer. He served on the leadership team of national and local Polyamorous Organizations. Kyle is also a member of the Transgender Community Advisory Panel for Callen-Lorde health center in NYC.  

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